Hadley Tarantino is a family and marriage therapist as well as one of our community partners - she guest blogged for PCH Tutors in 2018 about coping with back-to-school anxiety. Originally from Chicago, Hadley has a Master’s degree in clinical psychology from Pepperdine University and operates a private practice in Westlake Village (and currently working remotely via phone and video). We spoke to her about how she’s shifted her therapy practice and how she’s coping - and helping clients cope with - this major shift in our world. Covid-19 has disrupted our routines, our socialization, and what it means to be “productive.” So where do we go from here?
What kind of therapy do you practice?
I mainly work from a dialectical behavior therapy background which is an offshoot of cognitive behavioral therapy. It combines a change aspect and adds components of mindfulness and acceptance. Essentially: we accept the way you are but we can change some of it.
It’s very person-centered: the therapeutic relationship between the client and therapist is really important, especially with young people. People need to feel that they can trust someone and talk to someone, someone who can be with them through the funny moments but also the stressful and sad times, too.
Who are your typical clients?
Primarily work with adolescents and young adults. I define young adults as around college age, 18-30, post-grad, early 20s, college graduates, etc. I primarily work with people focusing on anxiety, depression, self esteem and self acceptance issues. Lots of life transitions and changes.
What’s a priority for you when working with people?
Trust is really important. Especially when you’re working with young people under 18, they’re sometimes worried things will be relayed back to mom and dad. My work is to build the foundation to hold the space for them. It’s significant to let them know that we can talk about things and if we do need to bring the parents in - say for a safety issue or something else - I’ll let you know before we do that.
How has your practice shifted since Covid-19?
I started doing tele-therapy around mid-March. Lately I’ve been doing phone or video sessions - can be a combination. The relationship and face-to-face contact is crucial to building a bond and reading body language, facial expressions, gestures. You’re not able to get that over phone or even video as much, so while video is helpful, distance therapy has definitely brought a different component to the work.
This is the first time in my career where both client and therapist are going through similar experiences as far as quarantining at home, not being able to see friends or family, not going into work or school, etc. I think it brings a good bond between therapist and client because I’m able to think, “Oh that thing works for me,” and share that to see if it works for the client as well. People are going through similar things on a large scale. It’s difficult, but the thing I’ve said the most is: building structure and routine is the most certain thing you can fall back on. Anxiety is literally the uncertainty of the future and that’s exactly what we’re facing now. It makes sense for people to come to me with anxiety or worries about what will happen. I never have the answers: I simply help explore what’s going on. But structure and routine builds certainty - when you wake up at the same time, dress in a similar pre-quarantine way, keep up with friends virtually - that all helps.
What is the biggest problem you see students and young people facing during quarantine?
A lot of students and young people in particular are experiencing anxiety or stress in part because there’s little accountability now. Suddenly, they’re faced with: “Oh I’m in charge of everything for the entire day! Homework, getting up, meetings, whether or not I get dressed, should I wear the same pair of sweatpants?” It’s important to put parameters up and create structure to help hold ourselves accountable - that’s what I’ve been helping clients do during this time.
Another thing people have been expressing is about not knowing how long this will last. Many people are experiencing anxiety because of so much uncertainty. As a result, it’s difficult to direct goals toward anything that relies on the future.
Yikes. If the future is so unpredictable right now, does that mean all goals are off?
What I’ve been focusing on is goal-directed things that have nothing to do with the future. For example, maybe your goal is to make a new recipe. You can have the goal to collect the ingredients and follow through with making the thing, but it isn’t contingent on how long quarantine will last or what happens in the future. Puzzles, which people have been doing a lot of, are also goal-directed activities not contingent on external factors.
Before quarantine/Covid we focused on goal-directed activities relaying on the future, but during quarantine we’ve been working on staying in the present which is mindfulness. Focus on using your five senses: bring yourself into the present moment. Maybe go on a walk, put away your phone and thoughts about school or other stressors, and just look at the things around you. Be non-judgemental about what’s going on right here and now... instead of thinking of what you’re doing Friday.
What have you been doing to cope with extended quarantine?
I love planning for the future personally, so I used to make a schedule on Sunday for the entire week and list my clients, preparations, social events, personal activities. Once the pandemic hit, I continued to do the same thing but it drastically changed: I have reduced clients, fewer social activities, and hardly any errands. At first, looking at my week ahead, it would feel upsetting. Like, my gosh, okay, what am I going to do this week?. So I focused on the day-by-day. What am I doing on Monday, and what can I do to make it a day to look forward to? It was simple: walking in a new area, trying a new recipe, playing a new game, reading a book. I would do that day by day.
What’s some advice for people who are anxious to get back to the way things were?
When people start thinking about “The day things open back up,” that feeling is anxiety-provoking, especially for people who may actually be enjoying quarantine, whether the lack of social interaction, perhaps more family time, less stress because less work or schoolwork. Because on a broader scale, everyone has a full right to entire range of emotional response to this pandemic. You have a right to feel whatever you feel during this time. But you have to acknowledge and identify what you’re feeling and that awareness is what will be so beneficial in the long run.
At the beginning people were really feeling the push to be productive and efficient: “I’m going to get into great shape, read all these books, accomplish all these goals,’ etc. People were feeling this huge pressure to complete all these things, but in the end that was probably more detrimental.
Thinking “I have to go back to school and work and reenter society” can be anxiety-provoking. Just because the world opens back up doesn’t mean you have to reopen. Self-soothing is thinking calm thoughts and remembering you don’t have to jump back into things. You can ease into it gradually. You can taper when you want to rejoin. The world might not look the same as before.
Look at it from a non-judgemental perspective. It’s nice just to ask yourself, “What am I feeling? Okay, I’m sad.” You don’t even need to ask why, always, or if you ask why it doesn’t need to be so you can solve it. It’s not “A bad day” because you’re sad or upset. You’re just feeling these ways on that day. Give yourself - and others - permission to feel the full spectrum of feelings and emotions. This is an opportunity of growth through time for self-reflection and awareness. If this is a great time for you, maybe because of a reduced workload or time at home? That’s okay. You don’t have to judge that. It’s also been a difficult time for many - be okay feeling that grief or loss.
How do you recognize whether what you’re feeling is ok and temporary or whether you need to seek more serious help? Like is this a “normal” sadness or is this clinical depression?
Try not to go into the space or language is normal, but how to figure out if you need more coping mechanisms. It’s okay to feel everything. First, if you are struggling, think about how your mood is different than before, like other times you’ve experienced this emotion. Is it impacting or inhibiting your life in a major way? Are your sleeping habits, eating, or work responsibilities changing negatively? If you answer “yes” to those questions, you may need extra support. Call a therapist or learn coping techniques to implement this.
How can parents help their kids who are feeling anxious and/or displaced?
Kids want structure. You don’t want to be their friend - and they want a parent. If you can implement routine, structure, certainty within the child’s day they’ll feel more secure and less anxious. Don’t give up - that just makes structure and parameters disappear.
Children lacking structure and their normal routines may be freaking out. A parent should step in and implement routine or structure. It’s important to continue having meals at the same time, not just walking into the kitchen getting whatever they want. Use “First, then” statements. Don’t just list things you need to do like “This, this, this, this.” That becomes overwhelming and stressful. Try this: “First, get dressed. Then, eat lunch.” Then two things are complete and you can move on.
Then again, every kid in the same family is so different. If one child is more independent and they don’t need someone looking over their shoulder - let them have independence. And don’t put too much on the kid as far as what is going to happen.
What are some of your hobbies or ways you’ve been coping with hobbies during this time?
I’m a big reader, I read probably a book a week. Commonwealth by Ann Patchett was a recent one. Sometimes I have to take a break - diving into fiction or mystery is a bit of a respite. Even though I love psychology so much, it’s OK to take a little bit of a break. My favorite app is Libby - it’s amazing for e-books and audiobooks. All you need is free library card!
Pre-quarantine, travel has been a big part of my life. My husband and I lived in Munich for nine months - he was a professional volleyball player - and while we lived there we were able to travel around Europe a little. I loved living there. I also really love national parks, and am trying to figure out which ones I want to go to next! Glacier in Montana is my favorite.
How have you coped with the lack of travel during quarantine?
I’ve been making travel itineraries or looking up places I want to go, thinking about future plans. I am interested in Africa, lately I’ve been looking up safaris, Egypt, and South Africa.
What’s the overall takeaway for people coping with quarantine?
Self-acceptance and self compassion: what you’re going through is ok. Your body and your brain are so smart. You don’t feel sad and down for no reason. When you notice major life functions are debilitated, work on that. Take a non-judgemental stance toward yourself (and others) about what’s going on in this time. There are is pressure, no preconceived notions to be super productive or do quarantine “right” - there is no “right.”
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If you’re dealing with stress and anxiety or just going through a life transition and want to talk to someone, contact Hadley Tarantino. She is a licensed family and marriage therapist located in Westlake Village.
As always, for academic help, contact PCH Tutors and we’ll match you with an excellent tutor who can meet your student’s needs.