Hilary Bilbrey and her husband Jeff recently moved to California where they are the parents of Breck, a just-about-graduated high school senior headed to CSU in the Fall (“a natural leader, he can talk his way out of anything!”), Jake, a high school junior (“He’s my techie and a problem solver, he can critically think his way out of anything!”), and Faith, a high school freshman (“She’s a dancer and honors student, and just embodies the spirit of our family so much!”).
They’ve had a ton of adventures as a family, lived and worked in multiple countries overseas, overcome tragic accidents and scary illnesses, and Hilary, through it all, has continued to transform those experiences into teachable moments that affirm her life motto: “live inspired.”
What’s your education/career background?
My background is primarily as a high school English teacher.
I graduated from the University of Wisconsin - Eau Claire and was lucky enough to get my Master’s at Cambridge University in England, where I learned how to teach English through drama. It was remarkable: we literally had workshops taught by the Royal Shakespeare Company! I lived in England, Spain, and Poland and went on to teach middle and high school in international schools before my husband and I moved to Colorado. Once we had our children, we moved back to Wisconsin where I subbed and worked here and there.
When I was getting ready to have our second child, I had some health challenges and doctors thought I might not even survive. The stress caused an early pregnancy - the baby was in NICU for a week, and we had just come home for a bit when our oldest, Breck, had a bad burn accident. We nearly lost him the first night and it set our family in turmoil.
The only way I know how to make sense of chaos is education and through finding the teachable moments. I had to reclaim who I was from an identity standpoint. Especially as women, we usually identify through our roles - mother, spouse, friend, daughter etc. - and when something happens that disrupts the role, it throws off our equilibrium and sense of identity. For example, a lot of “empty nest syndrome” is because as mothers, our picture has changed, and it’s changed the exterior view of our roles. What do we do with ourselves?!
So I did two things. I started researching more about identity and who we are and became certified as a Virtues Project facilitator. In that process, you identify your core virtues, which are different than values. Values are the way you practice virtues, but virtues are the universal truth, the core of who we are, which are found in every religion and culture. That helped me feel seen for the first time at a heart level and it started me on this process of understanding: if I know who I am at core, then no matter what or changes happen, I am anchored by my integrity.
I started using that to work with kids and teens who are leaders in their respective groups but their groups may not necessarily be leaders, if that makes sense. They have the ability to sway the group in a positive or negative way. I created a program called Trademark U which teaches kids to identify that in themselves and sets purposeful tasks to help them change their community in schools, cement their identity and leadership skills, and give realistic ways to gain earned Confidence through meaningful change.
The last 15 years I’ve worked with individuals - teens and adults - to help them through the transformative process in helping us live our best lives.
Would you call yourself a life coach?
People call me a life or leadership coach or life strategist. I help you move forward, align your life with who you are, process things in your life, and live with integrity.
What are you primarily focusing on now?
Right now, I’m working with executive women - many of whom are looking for guidance on switching careers - on an initiative called Ready, Set, Pivot. I’m also starting my first leadership book. I’ve written children’s books, but this is my my first “adult” book. In addition to Ready, Set, Pivot, I’m also doing family coaching - working with teens and parents and helping them find a shared vision. We work on creating shared family boundaries and a family identity and keeping parents consistent with what they ask of their kids and show their kids, developing trust as they go through relationship exchanges. I’ve been doing a lot of workshops, including “Read Inspired” once a month. I’m prepping for that next week, this month’s read is Untamed by Glennon Doyle. Then, I have the Decided Heart YouTube channel and tons of other projects going on!
If you had to describe yourself in a sentence how would you do it?
I want to bring out the best in people; my motto is to live inspired, and help others do the same.
How do you want others to describe you?
Your brand is not just who you say you are, but what’s reflected back. My #1 core virtue is integrity - I feel like I have to be able to stand behind what I say, follow through, and honor commitment to people and to myself. I believe in being vulnerable and authentic and joyful. Joyfulness is peace and contentment in knowing who you are and shining a light to others. My #1 thing that I love to hear from people is that they see that authenticity reflected.
How has Covid-19 affected your work?
The uncertainty is a huge thing with my clients right now. Depression is when you’re concerned and worried about the past and anxiety is concern and worry about the future. I’m dealing with a lot of anxiety.
People get focused on a goal but the reality right now is, what is your goal? Three months from now, tomorrow? You can’t focus on a goal so much as a process and habits that will build you up and get you there. That’s where the importance of Atomic Habits becomes so important. The structure of habits is the number one thing you have control over right now. What is making you anxious, and what do you have control over? Then let’s create a process for navigating how we react to these feelings.
How do you even start the process by overcoming anxiety?
Well the first thing I often have people do is to free write: go, write down everything that’s making you crazy. Then draw a circle and inside of it, write what you control. Outside of it, write what you can’t control. What you can’t control, you have to let go of it. Then for the inside circle, you can start to create action plans.
How do you even start to help develop structure?
Honestly, the very first thing is to NOT HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. Make a decision about what time you’ll get up and stick to it. When you start your day breaking a promise to yourself, that’s how you continue your day. I don’t care what time you set it for, but when that alarm goes off, your feet hit the floor. Think through the follow-up process beforehand.
That’s even harder these days when you don’t have the same job or class to get to...
You have to have a reason to get out of bed, but you have to create that reason. These are your non-negotiables. When you start committing to that first step, you can start habit stacking, and the process develops.
What have you learned from your life coaching/strategizing role that has informed your parenting?
Your kids’ experience has to be about who they are, not about who you want them to be, or who you were. And growth happens at different times for different people. Who is your kid? It’s hard to take your ego out of it, though. But if you’re controlling them like that, you’re taking them out of their story and they won’t believe they’re worthy, that they can do it. When you rescue them every time you’re communicating that you don’t believe they have what it takes to make it.
How do you balance parenting and life coaching?
When family values and boundaries are set, that helps balance. I try to push the limits a little with some of it, but there are a few non-negotiables, like safety. The companioning process is where you do negotiating and learn what they’re ready for and what they’re not.
It’s always hardest to take the emotion out, but you have to blend detachment with compassion. I’m teaching parents how to companion their kids - instead of solving and fixing things, to walk alongside them and help kids be the hero of their own story. At some point your authority turns into a guide or mentor role, and it’s a fun place to be, to watch your kids take virtues/gifts and really use them as a way to make their mark on the world. Sometimes as a parent you just have to stop listening to the outside world and go deep, and that’s when you’ll know.
Do you have suggestions for how parents can start building confidence in their kids?
Give your kid situations where they earn pride and confidence in doing something: chores, getting grades, running miles. Let them do the hard things and know they can do them. Let them do the easy things too! Earned confidence is real confidence.
