Living Inspired coach Hilary Bilbrey loves helping clients and readers develop productive habits, and she believes good habit forming, far more than any goal-oriented accomplishments, is key to building character, which in turn truly develops and reflects one’s identity. Using many of James Clear’s habit-stacking techniques, in this guest post, Hilary shares an outline for swapping your goal checklist for a more long-term, habit-developing journey that will enrich your understanding of your own identity.

From the moment we are born, society starts to push us to set goals in order to be deemed as successful. We have goals for when we should sit up, walk, talk, go to school, get a job, get married and have kids to start the anxiety-ridden cycle of goal-setting all over again. On top of that, we have goals within those goals to get us to the goal that is our goal. What if I told you that goals have less to do with your success than aligning your identity and your habits?

If you have never read Atomic Habits by James Clear, put that on the top of your list for this summer. Clear debunks the concept of goals, clarifies the necessity of defining your identity and then lays the foundation for small changes in habits that help build a process-oriented framework leading to the positive outcomes you want.

Goals are limiting.

The second issue with being only goal-oriented is that it creates only a momentary change.

Let’s start with the idea of goals. Clear explains that, “Goals are good for setting a direction, but systems are best for making progress.” There are fundamental issues from focusing solely on a goal. This is a constant battle I see with my coaching clients. First, if we both have the same goal, what makes one of us succeed and the other not? Is it having the goal itself, or is it the practices behind the goal? If I have a goal of getting an A on my assignment, I might stress about it, lose sleep over it or even go so far as to cheat to obtain my A. On the other hand, if I am an excellent student, I am likely to set up study habits, reflection and work ethic that supports this identity, naturally leading to A work. 

The second issue with being only goal-oriented is that it creates only a momentary change. If my goal is to get the A, maybe I will cram the night before, ace the test and the following week have no idea what I was even studying. If I value excellence, I will set time aside daily to take notes, study and reflect in meaningful ways on the work. In this way, true learning takes place, rather than a temporary gain just for the A.

You are not the sum of your accomplishments. You are the sum of your character.

Another consistent problem I see with clients who are goal vs process oriented, they withhold happiness if they do not achieve their goal. In some cases, they may beat themselves up, fall into a situational depression, or spin themselves into catastrophic thoughts of their dismal futures because they missed the A. Once again, if you are focused on excellence, commitment and diligence because that is who you are, you are likely to have a great outcome, but even if you don’t you will be confident that you have done everything in your power to achieve in that moment. Then you can take a breath, regroup and use your resilience to move forward. 

The last issue with focusing solely on goals is the “what next” factor. If your goal is simply on the outcome, when you achieve it, what is next? I often find clients will get depressed and feel lost. Okay, I got into the college of my choice, I got the grades I wanted…now what? If instead you have taken the time to identify as a person of excellence, commitment, diligence and resilience, it does not matter what goals you achieve, you are set up for the next moment in your life because that is who you really are. You are not the sum of your accomplishments. You are the sum of your character.

Your habits are the processes that you set up to vote for who you want to be.

How will you show up? 

With school on summer break and life in general slowing down still because of COVID19, I challenge you to take some time to reflect on how you want to show up in your life. Let’s shift the focus from WHAT we want to do to WHO we want to be. What energy do you want to bring to your relationships? How do you want to be reflected in your work and your choices? Are you currently living in a way that supports your authentic self? If not, where can you make some changes? The answers to these questions should drive your habits.

Your habits are the processes that you set up to vote for who you want to be. They confirm time and time again that you are a person of integrity, excellence, trustworthiness, understanding, or idealism. Every time you keep this process intact, you confirm to yourself that you are a person to be trusted and that will be reflected in the confidence you bring to the world. 

This confidence will help you work with resilience and reliability, which in turn will increase the chances of you getting your desired outcome. Even better, you will feel less anxiety and relax into trusting your own process. Life is about who you are, not your goals, and you get to decide how you are going to show up.  

If you’ve enjoyed Hilary’s writing and resources, we’ve got more to share! This summer, she’s teaming up with Jake this summer to offer workshops for high school juniors and seniors on how to write stellar college application essays. The online workshop series begins July 20 - sign up NOW for early bird pricing!